Anger Motivation

As mentioned in the last post, I had started to get away from the discipline of the intent of the sit-up regimen: to increase my sit-ups daily by an integer of one. I started to skip days, and to not increase my sit-up quantity until later in the day. In short, I started to lack discipline, which is part of the reason why I started the sit-ups regimen. Many endeavors I undertake, and are currently undertaking, have fallen by the wayside, or have been addressed with minimal or with inconsistent efforts. As a result, I have not progressed in these endeavors as well as I would like. To help stifle this pattern, I decided to start something that would require a minimal, but increasing effort, each day, something that would, once firmly entrenched as part of my daily rituals, require no more than a few minutes of my time, and at the onset would only require a few seconds of my time. If I couldn't maintain the focus and discipline to accomplish this meager of all accomplishments, what could I accomplish?
This mentality has begun to pervade into other arenas lately --financial, creative, career, education-- and has been for quite some time really. As part of the last email, I decided to abandon the number of sit-ups I had attained due to this lack of discipline, this malaise, until I could determine a day of significance, symbolic. I had originally thought of starting Setpember 10 -my girlfriend's birthday- but realized that I wouldn't be choosing this day for myself, and would be associating her birthday with something that was significant only for myself. Granted, the more I can pull myself out of a lifespin, the better it would be for her, as my general disposition would increase, not that she has been witness to any major alterations in my disposition, outside of frustration, and my affection toward her has not wavered as a result of my own spinning wheels. However, once one improves their own standing, it has the result of improving everyone they connect, and everything connected to them already. So, I decided not to start on her birthday.
I thought about restarting the sit-up regimen the day after her birthday: September 11, but realized that I didn't want my sit-up discipline (and to an extent, my newfound ambition) to be connected to a day that is already frought with symbolism, some necessary, some good, some bad. (I have my own ambivalent feelings about September 11, which I will address at a different time, in a different entry, on a different venue.)
Coincidentally, this week I became angry. About a month ago, I left my job. I did not want to be there any longer, nor could I stand to be. I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew that as long as I was working at a job that kept me unfulfilled, that dragged down my career, and personal ambitions daily, that it would be harder for me to get motivated to fulfill those goals once I returned home from work. I did not have a job lined up as a replacement; I was jumping off the edge of the mountain without a parachute; well, with a parachute, but with a landing place that may or may not have been too far in the distance. I was taking a chance. I wasn't jumping blindly as a did have a plan, a long-term plan. I just didn't have a short-term plan. But I knew that at best, I could survive for a little over a month without a job, or with a part-time job, which is what I have at this point, and have had when this adventure began. That grace period is just about up.
What made me so angry was that a couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity for a job within my chosen career path. I was to hear back from this position after my interview and skills tests/assessments. It has been two weeks. The person I interviewed with went on vacation the week after my assessments, without notifying any of my agents. Yesterday, I heard back and the interviewer had still not returned from vacation, and that the supervisor did not know much about the position, or the process, and seemed to believe that the position was not needed at this time. Being a firm believer in karma, I went against my own judgement the week earlier, and started telling people what my agent had told me: that the position was all but mine, and they were just waiting to hear back from the interviewer, but that they would have heard back by now had they not had an intention of bringing me aboard. Since the position had not been officially confirmed, I should not have mentioned anything to anyone at all, but given my excitement and the assuredness with which my agent had shared the news with me, and given my own predilection for wanting to progress events faster than what reality dictates, I told people that I pretty much had the job, and was waiting to hear the official version once the interviewer returned from vacation. I apologize, karma, for violating your tenets.
Understandably I became angry. This development also coincided with the purchase of a new car, something that I had been putting off for a while, though it was needed at the beginning of the month. I purchased a car I thought was sound, but after today's inspection, it was determined that the fixes made to the car before purchase by the seller were not sound, and that the car needed much more to pass inspection than the seller had let on. Or the parts they used to repair the car were not of a sound value, resulting in the diagnosis of my mechanic that the car is not driveable. I am now in a dispute with the seller to recover some of the expenses paid for their attempts at repair, in order to recover some of the repair costs I am to incur next week.
This has contributed to my anger.
Two of the biggest motivating factors in my life have always been anger and fear. Well, these events have stirred the anger, and have stirred my own sense of malaise and false starts. I am angry, I am motivated. I started the sit-ups regiment earlier this evening. I have used this anger as a motivating factor not only for the sit-ups regiment, but for many other abandoned projects and ambitions as well: career, education, etc. For example, note the length of this entry, and fervor with which it has been written.
I also started another ambition which had long been squashed by the increasing reins of torpidity: I went running tonight. When I was much younger, I claimed that I wanted to finish a marathon before age 35. That age is approaching within two years. A few years back, before I turned 30, before I moved to New Hampshire, I started training for the running of a marathon, the Midnight Sun Marathon in Anchorage, Alaska. As always, I jumped in too quickly, and developed flesh rippingly painful shin splints, which occur when one attempts to run more and faster than the body is ready to handle. I should have known this about myself, as I experienced them with frequency early in my running days. They occured with less frequency the more my body got used to running, but unfortunately, they are an ailment that cannot be run through. One cannot run through the pain.
Anyway, Saturday night I was home watching TV, and saw a travel program about Alaska. This resurrected in me the long stagnant dream of wanting to run a marathon, a dream that my girlfriend would jokingly prod me with every once in a while ("Hey, didn't you say you wanted to run a marathon by 35? Better get going."). Tonight I went running. One mile. Nothing earth-shattering. The beginnings of another regiment that I had already formulated in my head. I enjoy running, but realize my tendencies to bite off more than I can chew too quickly. I realized that if I was to work my body back in to shape, I should do small intervals a few times a week. This was a training schedule I had decided upon earlier in the summer, maybe even late spring. However, it is difficult to continue this type of training without a goal in mind. Running a marathon was a goal, but there was no concrete goal I was striving for, no specific marathon, no specific date. Shadowy figures and ethereal shapes are hard to hang one's hat on. (How's that for a mixed metaphor?) The Alaska program evoked in me the idea of running that specific marathon: the Midnight Sun Marathon. It also would serve a dual purpose, as I could travel there, we could travel there, as the girlfriend and I love travelling and visiting new places. (This year alone: Montreal, Barcelona, Paris, small trips to Newburyport, Boston, other tiny adventures.)
So, I have started running. Running also serves the purpose of motivating me. I love running, and feel lethargic went I don't run regularly. Unfortunately, I can't sustain the motivation to run regularly.
I restarted the sit-ups regiment earlier this evening.
I restarted the long train for the Alaska Marathon.
I restarted the intent to reach my career ambitions, and to start creating something for myself.
I am angry. It feels good.